最后一天想你心情日記隨筆

                      發布時間:2017-06-29 13:55 編輯:山楂園

                      年初五那天午睡,我夢見你了。夢見你和我生活在一個靜謐的小山村里,種植五谷莊稼,屋前屋后種滿了荔枝、龍眼、黃皮;我們養了三兩只貓兒、狗兒,屋旁邊圈了一大群的雞鴨。最后一天想你我在樹蔭下給孩子喂奶,你坐在我旁邊,說著今年的莊稼,該又是豐年了。涼風習習,我覺得自己包圍在暖暖的幸福中,感到生活無比的滿足無比的快意。我笑了,你看著我和我懷里的孩子,也笑了。

                      正是溫馨甜蜜處,我卻猛地醒了。剛才的夢境歷歷在目,夏季夾著泥土五谷清香的涼風仿佛還吹在身上,那溫馨甜蜜的感覺還纏繞在心頭,懷里的孩子仿佛還在微微顫動,你低低的略帶羞澀的嗓音還縈繞在耳邊,眼睛一睜開,卻已是物是人非。方才青翠豐碩蛙蟬噪鳴的田野變成了光光的四壁,懷里玉雪可愛、眉毛鼻子酷似你的孩子卻原來是蓋在身上的一張薄薄秋被。我不禁心神俱碎,仿然若失。

                      你與我相識是在我高二轉學出云中的時候。那時我還是一個膽小害羞的小女生,常常出了教室就不敢進教室,進了教室就不敢出教室,班里的女生一個學期結束了我都還沒認全,更別說男生了。知道了你的存在是因為你聰明,成績好,門門功課都不落人后,老師宣讀的前三名名單里,每回都有你。上體育課的時候我終于知道與那個名字相對應的就是你:一個長得黑黑瘦瘦、身材與我相若的小男生。那清澈明亮的大眼睛,那低低的稍帶羞澀的輕嗓音,從此就深深的吸引了我。不知從什么時候開始,我就對你留了心;一個長著一雙大眼睛、其貌不揚的小男生。

                      但那時的我是這樣的膽小害羞,遠遠的見你來了,卻臉紅紅的繞路走。

                      仿佛感應到我對你的愛戀一樣,一升上高三,平時不聲不響的你就開始有所動作了。那時我坐第四排第二位,你坐第二排第二位,每堂課,仿佛誰向你下了命令一般,你身體向左轉,臉朝著我,一雙眼睛盯著我,時不時低下頭去,一幅惘然若失的樣子。知道那時我有多擔心你嗎?我擔心你這樣日復日的看著我會被同學笑話;我擔心因此而影響了你的學業。那時,我心里是多么的焦急,但也是甜蜜蜜的。就連中午一個人躲著吃飯時,嘴角都會忍不住泛出笑容。

                      高考已進入倒計時,我擔心的沒法,就趁晚修前課室沒人,在你的書里放紙條。第一次,我跟你說要專心讀書,不要再看我了。你回來后我偷偷的留意著你,看到你見到了我的紙條,我放心了許多。我想從此以后你就會全副身心撲在學習上,順利的躍過龍門,邁向更高的學府。但第二天你還是一如既往,上課時身體向左轉,眼睛盯著我。最后一天想你我又擔心起來,每天,我都帶著又憂傷又甜絲絲的感覺睡覺、學習、生活。我又在你的書里放了第二張紙條,我跟你說如果你考不上大學,畢業后我就不會和你在一起。但紙條并沒有收到我預期的效果,你就像一棵害羞的向日葵,心中懷著對太陽的無比愛戀卻不敢表白不知如何表白,只是情不自禁的每天圍著太陽轉。高考越來越近了,一天我發現你的座位空了,第二天第三天還是空著,一連空了一個了好多天。我粗糙的掩飾著自己的擔心與焦急,向鄰桌的女生打聽你的情況,才知道你病了,病得很重,不能上課,躺在宿舍里溫習。睡覺時我躲在被子里無聲的哭了。高考前我才又見到你,你愈發的瘦了,那雙眼睛顯得愈加的明亮。

                      幸好大病并沒有奪去你的聰明與勤奮,高考后我們都如愿地考上了廣州中山大學。命運又一次眷顧了我,把機會送到了我面前,讓我和你同讀一間大學。但過于自閉和羞澀的我還是和高中時一樣,不知道怎樣抓住機會和你在一起。

                      害羞的我一直都很自閉。童年時我的母親就仿如一座活躍的火山,總有噴發不完的怒火,而排行中間又瘦又丑不善言詞的我就成了這火山噴發的主要承受者。慢慢的我變得越來越沉默,除了做家務、學習外,一天到晚就鉆在書里,不愛出門不愛交朋友。那時我立了一個志向,長大后不是去死就是出家當尼姑。這個志向陪伴著我長大,十多年來從不曾懷疑不曾猶豫過。

                      初到中大的一天晚上,你和我們高三同班、也是考上中大的另一個女生來找我,我們在望不到盡頭的校道里散步。你和我一左一右夾著她,她不停的說著高考后各同學的情況,你有時也插進一兩句,而我始終微微笑的聽著,一言不發。你說你每天去做早操時都看見我在排球場上做早操。知道了這個后早****就經常躲偷。不為什么,只是因為害羞,怕被你看見,但心里卻渴望見到你。

                      也許是因為那天晚上我的一言不發,從此后你就沒來找過我,也許從那天晚上起你就準備把我從你心里抹掉,而我卻還沉浸在與你讀同一間大學的甜蜜里,做早操時偷偷的用眼光在校道的來往人群中搜索你的身影,在學校的任何一個角落無時無刻不在捕捉你的影子,期盼與你的不期而遇。倘若真遇上了卻又心慌慌的躲開,不知如何開口,不知該跟你說什么。

                      我心中是這樣的愛你,卻從沒想過要和你在一起,從沒想過要和你象其他相戀的同學一樣,纏綿在花前月下。長大后不是去死就是出家當尼姑的信念依然支配著我,左右著我的思想。我愛你,卻不曾想過要和你攜手到老,我想的依然是在深山寺院里孤獨地走完一生,又或是長眠深山老林里歸于塵土。我愛你,卻只是默默的關注著你,默默的為你祈禱,祈禱你健康,祈禱你一切順利。

                      就這樣我浪費了命運之神賜予我的又一次寶貴的機會,你和我彼此愛著卻未能相戀。這,都因為我。

                      畢業了我們回到我們高中讀書的城市工作、生活,不久我聽說你戀愛了,不久聽說你結婚了。我心痛欲狂,每天都用酒來糊弄自己那傷痛的心,我要用酒來忘掉你,用酒把你埋在內心最深處,永遠不再碰你。但你總會在我不防備的時候闖進我的夢里,與我暢游名山大川,又或是給我一兩個孩子,和我把酒話桑麻。

                      夢是甜蜜的,夢醒后的我卻枕褥濕透,心神俱碎,若有所失。夢后一兩天的我,總是恍恍惚惚、神不守舍、心痛難忍。

                      工作后的我當然沒去長侍青燈古佛,也沒有香消玉殞化作泥土,依然在這塵世生活著,平平淡淡的過著每一天。

                      你和我雖然同處一城工作、生活,卻幾乎沒碰過面。唯一的一次,是在一個石展會上,我偷偷的捕捉到了你。你胖了,身穿著警服顯得異常的威武颯爽。我酸酸的躲在一邊,看著你和同事們說說笑笑的參觀展品。就是看你一眼,就已足夠。我知道你過得很好、很幸福,這就夠了。

                      你知道嗎?開始那幾年,你是我心里永遠不能彈及的一根弦。那時我不能聽《夢江南》,那凄怨委婉的曲調,總能勾起我對你的愛戀與思念,在那悠揚的樂聲里我會哭個天昏地暗。時間慢慢的修補著我那傷痛的心,慢慢的把我對你的愛戀與思念釀成了一壇甜甜的、酸酸的、醇醇的酒,很香、很綿,不霸道,卻醉人。我輕易不敢飲,偶爾在朗月高掛風清清的時候才拿出來聞一聞、呷一呷,雖是輕嘗卻已讓我雙目朦朧,仿若穿越時空,回到高二、高三愛芽初萌,我和你都含羞答答、欲語未語的時光里。

                      年初五那天中午,有親戚來,我陪親戚喝了一點1914年的人頭馬,之后沉沉睡去。不經意間又見到了你,還與你共浴愛河,生兒育女,我們生活在一個與世無爭的小山村里,靜靜地而幸福地過著每一天。猛然扎醒,卻發現這不過是南柯一夢,與你共浴愛河、生兒育女的卻不是對你朝思暮想的我,怎能不叫人心碎。

                      于是我把你從內心深處拿出來,慢慢的回憶著與你同校讀書的點點滴滴,回憶著我聽到的你與同學說的每一句話;回憶著那年春節后你穿回學校的那一套黑西裝,回憶著畢業照上你昂首挺胸目視前方的傻憨模樣。我靜靜的想著你的往昔,心里是一陣陣的甜,一陣陣的苦。

                      想你的我總是甜蜜的總是心神恍惚、心痛難忍的,所以我只能在空閑時才去想你。在這2007年的頭一個星期里,我用初五、初六、初七這三天來想你,初八我要上班了,我要干好我賴以生存的工作,我不能讓對你的思念削弱我的工作能力,我不能讓人看到我這魂不守舍、傷心欲絕的樣子。我不能示弱于人前。

                      如有來生,我一定會抓住機會與你在望不到盡頭的校道里嬉戲、蜜語,與你在花前纏綿、在月下誓盟,與你共偕連理、相守到老。

                      如有來生,與我舉案齊眉、白頭偕老好嗎?我愿意,我愿意用我這一生去等候,等你愛我,等你娶我。

                      我決定不再想你,除非你頑皮的闖進我的夢里。

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